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10 Reasons I Hate My iPhone

In iPhone on March 10, 2008 at 6:04 pm

Now, before the hate starts, let me say that the iPhone is beautiful. It’s UI is terrific, and it is by far the very best handheld web browsing device I’ve ever come across. It’s also the first phone I’ve had which has started conversations, and everyone who sees me using it wants to touch it. If I was so minded I’m pretty certain it could get me laid.

But there are many times I hate it. In no particular order, here’s why:

  1. It’s trying to kill me. The Bluetooth is flakier than a chocolate named 99*. I mean really. Sometimes it’ll talk to my car kit, sometimes it won’t. I wouldn’t mind if it was otherwise highly specced, but no A2DP means it won’t stream music to my car or a headset, so I’m forever fighting wires, getting tangled up, and generally shouting at the iPhone when I’m driving. And that’s why it’s trying to kill me – using it in the car, while driving, is a death sentence.
  2. It doesn’t want me to have memories. That excuse for a camera… coming to the iPhone after an N95 you suddenly find yourself transported back to 2003, when phone cameras were still new, still fuzzy, still didn’t work in low light and still didn’t do video. The upside is that it’s encouraged me to carry around a proper compact digital camera – something which does a far better job of images than any phone camera I’ve used.
  3. It wants me to lose friends. After all, why bother letting me know they’re calling when you could just amusingly redirect all calls to voicemail until the next reboot?
  4. It wants me to lose business. See points 1 and 3. I can’t answer the phone when driving any more, nor can I make calls by simply prodding the bluetooth button on my dashboard and calling out the name of whoever I’d like to talk to. Similarly, that call avoidance strategy may be great for battery life, but it’s rubbish for making money.
  5. It’s pretty, until you start to use it. Especially if you’ve just been eating donuts. Try it, you’ll understand.
  6. It’s trying to lose me. Many high-end phones come with GPS software. That stands for Global Positioning Satellite. The iPhone has something which you could also call GPS – Guesswork Positioning System. That’s right – you can go to Google Maps and ask it where you are. It’ll then tell you to an accuracy of… oooh, well in my house it says I could be anywhere in an area covering about 25 square miles. The worst thing is… my house isn’t in any of those square miles – it’s about two miles outside. This is not a phone that’s going to save you when you’re lost in the Atacama dessert. It’s probably simply a part of the functionality designed for reason 1.
  7. It doesn’t like being charged up. Most of the things that should charge it up, won’t. I suppose that’s my fault for equating “charges iPods” with “charges iPhones.” How silly of me.
  8. It’s noisy as hell. I don’t mean that when it rings it causes complaints from neighbours. Don’t be ridiculous – ringing is something to be done quietly – see point 9. It’s worse than that. What it does is to use hi-fis, car stereos, computer speakers… anything really, as a sort of noise proxy. Whenever it’s receiving a call, making one, thinking about it, checking your e-mail… off it goes. BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDY-BIDDY! It’s like I’ve got Twiki hiding under my desk.
  9. It doesn’t want to disturb me. I buy phones to receive phone calls. It would be nice if, when someone calls, that phone could muster up enough noise so that you could hear it ringing. The iPhone’s ringer is easily drowned out in noisy places. For example, places such as museums, convents and libraries.
  10. It’s jealous. You get it on a contract from O2 and you mustn’t ever leave. Oh no. Put that SIM into another telephone and that’s it – breach of contract time! You’ll be cut off pretty soon after which you’ll have to go grovelling back to O2 with a sincere apology and a promise not to be naughty again. And you can’t transfer the contract to another phone, even if you pay the same amount. No, you’re trapped. Trapped like you might feel when you’re with a beautiful but violently jealous girlfriend who, it turns out, you just got pregnant. Think Betty Blue. That’s how you’ll feel from about month 3 to month 18. The freedom when that contract ends… oh you know – it’s going to be like ending a relationship with a beautiful nutter. You’ll feel free as a bird, yet somehow… empty. Sad. Forlorn.

I’ve just realised, I have another ten reasons…. I’ll post them next time I have an energy spurt.

Until then, if you’re thinking about an iPhone… well, it really is the dog’s wotsits when it comes to surfing and playing music. Nothing comes close. As a phone… well… you know how I feel.

* In Britain, if you say to an ice cream man “make mine a 99” he’ll give you a normal ice cream with a Flake chocolate sticking out of it.

Addendum. I wrote about the charging problem because, at the time of writing, my iPhone wouldn’t charge from any of my portable chargers. Turns out it was just it hadn’t noticed – rebooted, I went from 10% charge to full. Damn phone’s a liar too!

For a little balance, or for those who love their Apple gadgets, I’ve written an alternative…

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  1. Well, if you dislike your iPhone so much, you could always give it to me 🙂

  2. you want lousy try the itouch…worst purchase decision ever. At least with the iphone you can get internet whenever you want.

    http://westofwabansia.wordpress.com

  3. Most of your reasons I disagree with, or I think they’re just ridiculous.

    1. I don’t use bluetooth, so I wouldn’t know.

    2. While video would be nice, the camera takes great pictures. Almost all of my photos are crisp and clear, and the ones that aren’t, wouldn’t be clear if they were taken with a normal camera. I really hope you’re not one of those “amateur photographers” that thinks all poor conditions can be solved with enough megapixels.

    3. I don’t understand this one. I haven’t had any similar problems.

    4. Oh, so you really only have 9 reasons?

    5. If you want your screen to look nice after eating greasy food, why the hell did you get a TOUCHscreen phone? This reason is enough for me to discount all of your others.

    6. I’ll have to say, I agree with this one, though my “Find-Me” feature is a lot more accurate than you’ve described – usually it narrows down to a couple of blocks to my house. But, I’ve read that several companies are developing third-party GPS apps under the new iPhone SDK.

    7. Every iPod charger I have works with the iPhone, Apple-branded or third-party. If you’re talking about the dialog that pops up, your charger will still work, it’s just letting you know that it’s not “optimized” for the iPhone. My Monster iPod car adapter, which is about 3 1/2 years old, works just fine with my iPhone.

    8. Umm, you can turn those things off. It’s under the button labeled “SETTINGS”.

    9. Ridiculous exaggeration won’t get you many readers, sir. I have to keep my iPhone’s ringer at about 3/4 full volume, and I work in a loud newsroom with 20+ people.

    10. All that information was there when you signed up. No one tricked you into signing that contract. Is it stupid that you or I can’t switch SIM cards? Sure. But’s it’s also stupid to complain about it when you knew that when you signed your contract.

  4. Yes. Perhaps you would be better off to sell the iPhone and buy a seperate telephone, answering machine, GPS, camera, diary, address book, telephone directory, walkman, televison, dvd player and carry them all around with you. OR you could get over yourself and accept that living in this modern age is actually quite handy, and your iPhone is a bloody handy tool.

  5. Seems like I was right when I took the wait & see attitude before deciding to get an I-Phone

  6. mmm, yes, I too was a wait and see. And now, I think I want an iTouch with about 30 gigs and wireless internet capabilities… and possibly, phone, too. I want it all, which will take a few generations. 🙂

  7. iPhones are teh ghey

  8. Haha.. great post, I was considering getting one, but I’ll think twice now.

    Reading some of the comments above, it’s hilarious how people get offended and personal when a person moans over a technical object.. chill it doesnt have feelings, its an inaminate object dammit, you can say whatever you want about it!

  9. I’d have to agree with points 2, 6, 8 and 9.

    The camera lacks functionality and really does take quite lousy pictures. Unless you’re in perfect lighting conditions, your image will either be blurry, washed out or both. This has nothing to do with MP and everything do with lack of control over fstop, etc… There is an add on app that fixes most of this called Camera Pro, but it costs $.

    Lack of GPS? That’s like Beta-Max! This oversite shouldn’t have happened.

    The interference? I’m sick of hearing “Turn on airplane mode”. I didn’t purchase an integrated iPod/cell phone so that I can’t use the cell when using the iPod. If I wanted that, I would’ve kept my Maxx VE and iPod. This problem *has* to be fixed, and soon.

    The ringer and speaker are quite low (and tweet out), but there’s a fix for that if you jailbreak.

  10. Oh, I do I have to compliment you on something – Thank you for not saying “Reasons WHY I hate my iPhone”.

    Maybe it’s just an American thing to say “reason why,” but it annoys me to no end, so thanks.

  11. Don’t forget its lack of 3G, as well.
    iPhones and iPods are trash.
    It’s only the sheep mentality that keeps people buying these things.
    There are MUCH better, and much more FEATURE rich options in both markets.

  12. mrsleep,

    You may well be mentally ill, so I apologise in advance if this reply offends you. But posting the ludicrous statement you just did suggests you’re also a Zune owning, MS loving bigot.

    Name one product from both markets that’s “…MUCH better, and much more FEATURE rich…” than iPhone and iPod.

    The slightest amount of research would reveal that 3G is coming soon, and that RIM’s Blackberry has 41% of the smart phone market after NINE YEARS in trading. In just eight months Apple’s iPhone has grabbed 28% of the smart phone market. All ‘sheep’ I’m sure!!

  13. >>>It’s trying to kill me. […] generally shouting at the iPhone when I’m driving. And that’s why it’s trying to kill me – using it in the car, while driving, is a death sentence.

    Maybe you should consider the possibility of *you* killing *someone else*. When you’re in your car, DRIVE. If you want to talk on the damned phone, pull over.

    People have been killed because of eejits using their damned phones while driving and not paying attention.

  14. thank god i didn’t get it. i love my blackberry 🙂

  15. awesomeness. spot on. when you buy a phone it should able a phone first and everything else second.

    seems form the comments we have a alot of mac elitists out their(how dare you put down my iphone, harrumph!)

    Sorry about that I just find apple smugness repugnant.

    btw i’m thumbing you up in stumble as i wanna wanna see your next 10 iphone loser whatnots.

    cheers!

  16. My old phone did the strange beep-buzz noise with nearby speakers, too, but it’s worse with the iPhone. I think it’s caused by the battery…or something.

  17. kazzarius,

    I presume by “alot of mac elitists out their(how…”, you mean: … a lot of Mac elitists out there.

    You could well be right. We Mac users do tend to be the people who take care to type accurately – the ones who generally paid attention enough at school to leave with the ability to type without splattering typos and grammatical errors with careless abandon all over the internet.

    In less than seventy words, you managed to commit a total of no less than 17 errors! About 25%. I’m not sure that counts as a record, but it must surely be up there.

    So, before you pull out a big, complicated word like “repugnant” and throwing random insults at people with good taste, it might be a good idea to acquire a competent grasp of the English language.

    What is truly repugnant, is ignorance displayed as if it were a virtue.

  18. Then unlock it you muppet!

  19. Currently there is not one product that begins with “I” that I would ever purchase. To answer the next question; I am not a Microsoft fanboy either. I cannot stand how people with Iphones/Ipods/Imacs think they are somehow smarter than other consumers. Well listen up I-people. Get a life and do some research. Don’t purchase something just because you have heard of the name. Do some research into their features and you may be surprised at how much you are overspending for the functionality you are looking for.

  20. […] now I’ve had two continuous wonderful days, thanks to this article and this article and this article and this article and this […]

  21. I totally agree. I just got the iPhone a week ago and I’m considering returning it, however I have to pay a 10% restocking fee.

    I did agree with most of your reasons and I think I love my black berry more. It not as pretty or fun. It just more grown up. However I feel the need to mention that I’m posting this message via the iPhone.

  22. The iPhone is gorgeous, but (in the U.S. anyway) AT&T service sucks out loud! I’m not a shill for Verizon Wireless (honest) and I used to hate Verizon, but AT&T’s cell coverage is horrible, just really unreliable. I’m in the northeast US and have seen “No Service” on my iPhone way too many times. I don’t mean in Bumf**k New Hampshire, I’m talking about No Service while driving on the interstate within 5 miles of Cambridge MA. Jeez!

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